Slew
Two of my New Year resolutions came head to head today. Be more healthy, and lose a few pounds. I went to bed last night alive and well, and woke up at 2am filled by a toxic slew in a rush. I timed the journey to the toilet at around a second flat. Myself and the toilet became quite close acquaintances for the next 6 hours. So, I have lost about 6 pounds today - result! By the smell of what poured out like a drain, it was doing very little positive inside me anyway.
I felt a bit delirious by noon. I think that was the highlight of the day. I couldn’t sleep for wanting to pass out. That’s a fun game, nodding off every ten minutes. And waking up with a jolt, every ten minutes. I had to pull myself together and get to the shop because I’d ran out of toilet roll. I must’ve looked quite the treat in my lounge trousers, cardie, flip-flops and a leather jacket - in the rain. There’s a dotted-line where effortlessly cool crosses over into vagrant. I had crossed it.
I think the worst thing today was losing all confidence in passing wind. I think it’s one of Man’s greatest achievements - separating gas from solid (or in my case today, eggy water) when we fart. Not me, I’d regressed back a few evolutionary steps. Fortunately I had the good sense to get on my porcelain plinth whenever I thought passing wind might be in order. If I get back somewhere close to 100% tomorrow I will spend the first hour showing off my re-discovered skill to colleagues.
Hopefully this is the last potty-mouth post of the year.
