April 2012
1 post
Handy-man
Sometimes events coincide in quite a lovely and unexpected way, this happened on Friday. A quick glance at my my blog archive earlier this week reminded me that my New Year’s resolution of writing a post every day had been a grotesque fail. I had begun to blame a lack of writing desk in the flat. I have a perfect desk for writing at work, but they don’t pay me to write blog posts. They...
March 2012
1 post
Badge
I’ve had guilt forced upon me today. Through no fault of my own I feel bad. I don’t mind feeling guilty of my own doing, but today it’s been allocated to me by the actions of someone else.
A quick visit to Sainsbury’s for a budget lunch (£3 meal deal), plus a £1.95 cosmetic purchase that I’ll not get into - meant the fiver I had on me was ample. At the check-out I...
February 2012
6 posts
Fun
A quick pint after work last night took me to a very ‘after-worky’ type of place in Farringdon. A lot of spritzers and snacks that have to measured out. My rule of thumb is generally that no matter how down to earth a pub seems, if it serves wasabi peas its a place worth getting out of. This was one of those places. I couldn’t help but be slightly annoyed by a table of what...
Court
I’ve been very sociable this weekend, very sociable. I was at a party on Friday. And there can be little argument that I was the life and soul (of the taxi ride home). Due to getting a bit carried away with the homemade punch, I woke up creamed yesterday. I mean really tired, not drenched in semen.
I still managed to get to Westfield to finish my aborted shopping trip of a fortnight ago....
Fighter
Tonight, for the first time in over 15 years, I had a fight. I have avoided fighting on many occasions, mostly because my one fight experience had till now left me with a fighting record of 1 fight and 1 KO - against. It wasn’t entirely a fair scrap to be fair, given he was 3 times larger than me, far more keen on fighting than I was, and had caught me while I was trying to put my shoes on....
Power
Last night’s ending pretty much summed up my weekend. I stumbled back to the flat only to unlock the front door and waltz in to complete darkness. Power cuts are inconvenient at the best of times, but under the considerable influence of alcohol it was even more cryptic than usual. My power goes every fortnight or so (electricity I mean, not my actual power - which is non-existent and...
Look
I finished last night with a special fried rice and mixed kebab. The latter was miserable and the former an utter lie. I’m not sure what it thought it might have meant by calling itself special. Maybe if I’d planted it in my garden it would’ve shot up into a giant beanstalk, or sprung crops from which I could pluck fresh new special fried rice meals. There was no such magic...
Aches
Today has been a day of pain. As was yesterday. And the day before. Launching me and my body back into sport on Monday seemed an incredible idea. On Monday. Tuesday hinted it might not have been. Yesterday and today have done nothing to disagree with Tuesday. I’ve no great designs on being overly supple, but I’ve walked around for 48 hours like a plank of wood. I did have a moment of...
January 2012
17 posts
Soup
The inadvertent single-foodstuff-banquet I ‘enjoyed’ last night is weighing heavily today. And the carbs intake is making my Monday even more lethargic than usual. So, I’m fast-tracking my new routine which had previously been fast-tracked for two weeks ago. I’ve just had a diet soup for lunch. I didn’t realise soup was that fattening that it required a ‘diet’ version, but apparently it’s actually...
Carbs
Today has been one of massive home-cooking success. My dinner of bangers and mash was as tasty as it was extreme. Bangers were made and finished some four hours ago. Mash was made four hours ago and due to a slight quantity issue, I’m still grazing on them now.
Apparently the way to measure the mash I needed was to count the potatoes I’d usually eat when asked the question “how...
Burns
My resolution of blogging every day has taken a bit of a kicking recently. But I have an excuse, Mark Coverdale and I made our spoken-word debut on Wednesday at Rabbie Burns night 2012. It was actually my Rabbie Burns night debut, full-stop. We did a ten minute story that actually hovered obediently around the ten minute mark, surprisingly given we’d not rehearsed.
I had wanted the...
Slew
Two of my New Year resolutions came head to head today. Be more healthy, and lose a few pounds. I went to bed last night alive and well, and woke up at 2am filled by a toxic slew in a rush. I timed the journey to the toilet at around a second flat. Myself and the toilet became quite close acquaintances for the next 6 hours. So, I have lost about 6 pounds today - result! By the smell of what...
Fit
My neck still hurts and I feel generally unfit today. This probably isn’t my body playing an elaborate illusion on me, I most likely am genuinely unfit. It’s not like I’ve got high expectations of how fit I need to be. Jog for the bus fit. Carry the shopping home fit. Clean up after the cat fit. That’s about all I need. I don’t plan to scale any buildings any time soon, so what’s the point in...
Neck
Another weekend done. Pretty much without note. Partly because I had the sort of Friday night that casts a shadow over an entire weekend. Work drinks, followed by after-work drinks, followed by drinks that were not related to work at all. But by that point were certainly becoming a bit of an effort.
I know I’ve had a particularly solid night out when I wake up on the couch the next day....
Guildford
Yesterday brought my first ever trip to Guildford. Beaconsfield last year and now Guildford. I really am starting to happen. The taxi driver who drove me from the train station was stupidly proud of the town. He pointed out some local landmarks, castle, cathedral, the M25. He seemed overly paternal about the river. It’s not even their river, it belongs to lots of other towns. Water that...
Soap
The girl who came to see (and disparage) my flat has decided to take the spare room. This leaves me in something of a quandary (I think that’s the first time I’ve ever typed the word quandary, and having typed it once I realise I have already over-used it). Having written a post about installing webcams in the room on the day she viewed it, I might look a little strange to her if she...
Kev
I had my third potential flatmate over to look around the place tonight. She was very judgemental. She didn’t like the new tiles for the kitchen I have almost got round to laying, she thought my new ivory coaster was very ‘a la mode’ (means modern apparently, and judging by her face, a bit shit too) and had reason to believe that my exclusively red and black living room decor...
Flattie
It’s flat-mate hunting time. Again. I’ve got to get somebody in before the end of the month. Ads have gone out, and my second potential flat-mate turned up today. It’s like extreme dating seeing a potential flat-mate, particularly when it’s a two-bedroom place. “Sure, pop round. Let’s hang out. See each other again? Why not. Go for a film and a meal next time?...
Nostalgia
I found myself reflecting quite a bit last night. I mean that I spent time looking back at the past, not that I found a way to repel light. I spent an hour clearing out my cupboard of clothes I either don’t wear or have never worn. Some of which were apparently bought under the influence of magic mushrooms. A pair of achingly tight purple pantaloons that I have no recollection of buying went...
Frank
The first of Coverdale’s contributions to our Burn’s night story arrived yesterday, it excited and petrified me in equal measure. It looks great, and is perfect for the story in style. But it’s very very real. This is actually happening and I need to ramp up the writing pronto.
I got a page of A4 out yesterday. It needs work, but there’s a couple of lines I’m pretty...
Bus
A short ride on he bus around noon has been the highlight of my day. To be fair it hasn’t been a very productive day. I had to go and register at a vet, not me personally obviously. Though my Holloway Road quack is not exactly God’s gift to medicine. I am pretty sure he turns to leaches as a last resort for anything less mainstream than a migraine.
I don’t like public...
Burns
I didn’t post yesterday as I was too busy being in an utter and blind panic. Mark Coverdale (find him on Facebook, he loves it when people do that) are performing a ten minute story at a local Burns night – that’s Robbie Burns, not some sort of first-degree Fireworks night support group.
I think we were asked to do it because I run a comedy night and he is friends with someone who runs a comedy...
Abstinence
January is turning out to be a very puritan month. A worrying amount of people have announced some form of abstinence in the past two days. But I have a very busy work and social life, what with me being decidedly important and popular. My calendar is like a pyramid, blocks of activity, piled up, piled up again, and reaching a pointy crescendo at the top, but (as far as I know) without a...
Monday
I’m certainly not going to say that some days are actually longer than others. But if they are, the first day at work of the year has to be a fair contender as the longest. Today couldn’t have dragged more if someone had piped the hits of Snow Patrol directly into my skull.
The Mother of all Mondays. And not even technically a Monday. Never has a day lived up to its billing so...
Resolve
I am a brazen-tart for new year resolutions. Last year I had a list on my phone. 2011: A Keith Odyessy. Contributions included slouching less and trying to be a bit more punctual. This year I want to be more productive, so I am going to write on this blog every day (other than yesterday, I wrote my list late - 2011 was an abject failure resolutions-wise).
After I wrote my little list of...
November 2011
1 post
Cheese
The entry price to any good dinner party is what you come armed with, be it good cheer or a summary understanding of the day’s world news. Not that I get invited to many dinner parties. I am categorised by friends as more beer and darts material than dinner guest. Despite clearly having a lot intellectually to give. And not really liking beer or darts.
My annual occasion of being invited...
October 2011
2 posts
Identity
Today has been organised perfectly. Bag was packed. Arrangements made for the cat. And my train ticket was bought weeks ago. Meaning I could take advantage of the super-saver advanced single. £8. Which is as much as I want to pay to travel to fucking Crewe.
I felt quite quite smug as I got to Euston with all the premium-paying passengers. Less so when the self-service machine asked me for a card...
Groped
I went to the theatre at the weekend, a wonderful 90 minute show that I thoroughly enjoyed for the first 60, but had the last 30 minutes ruined by my body being fondled.
What looked like a new relationship was sitting in front of me. The girl spent the last half hour with her arm behind the back of her chair, sliding her fingers through her beau’s mullet. And getting quite a bit of my knee...
September 2011
4 posts
Nemesis
I think my weekend of mis-shapen sleep may have caused a grey mood to descend on me today, because some part of Monday was invested in my thinking of ways I can avenge people who have slighted me. I’m ashamed to say that the idea of poking dog-shit through letter-boxes did loan out some of my time.
Ambition of my own disappeared backstage, as I tried to work out who I could put in their...
Bully
I am being a bully today. A proper good one too. Dragging Ed kicking and screaming into the world of Twitter despite him clearly not wanting to be there might sound a little selfish on my part, but if I want to re-tweet his personal thoughts then who is he to stop me.
It’s either put legitimate musings down on a registered username or I’ll come up with my own libellous nonsense and attribute them...
Oyster
My mother is an optimist – her permanent mantra to me is “if you think that’s the way it will work out, then that’s the way it’ll work out”. I’ve no idea what this means. But I’m pretty sure that if I think a trip to the Tesco’s will end with me being lofted on to the shoulders of a gaggle of busty cheerleaders, I am going to end up disappointed. 9 times out of 10.
My Dad on the other hand always...
Cardigan
My fashion sense rotates through cycles that bare no resemblance to the needs of the season. I saw a man walking down leather lane who had a cardigan on that pretty much rocked my world. I really want his cardigan. I think I actually probably want his girlfriend, who was walking alongside him at the time, but let’s start with his cardigan and go from there.
It’s a lot more...
August 2011
14 posts
Flirt
Every day for the last eleven years, my mate Alex has been single. And I don’t mean loner-maverick-type-single. I mean full on-blind panic-last dodo on the island-single.
You can see his sense or urgency when we are in a night-club and towards the end of the night the quieter songs come on. DJ Tiesto, that sort of thing. He bounces round the dance-floor like a wasp in a jam-jar. Ultimately...
Voltaire
We got a lot of things wrong last night. Principally amongst them was assuming Cabaret Voltaire would be an arty and intellectual place to be at midnight. It wasnt. It was full of plebs dancing like someone had borrowed their spine.
I had genuine doubts on the way in. Maybe it was the look of the bouncers, or the poster on the far side of the entrance titled “DJ Mo’Focker” (or...
Google
Edinburgh has been dreary today. Result, flat-based boredom. I ran so low on things to do I Googled myself.
Nothing.
My Facebook profile, this blog, then a stream of awkward-looking men pretending to be me.
I’m seriously not getting the search results credit my life to date deserves. I once scored the winner in the quarter-final of the Reg Vardy Used Cars and Spare-parts Trophy. Fuck...
Precocious
When I turned 26 I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve before I turned 30. Complete Call of Duty (check), find myself (which I did and it was a massive disappointment) and stop setting myself targets. I can remember the exact moment I found myself. I was preparing a meal that consisted of microwave winter vegetables, corned beef and cous-cous. I thought “this is who I am”....
She
I have spent the entire day irritating my Edinburgh flatmates by referring to myself in the third person. As ‘She’. She’s had a lovely day. She’s had spaghetti carbonara. And she is now spending some time on her own because the others don’t want to speak to her anymore.
I think my peculiar mood has been brought on by my first improv experience last night. Which...
Wet
Edinburgh properly rained yesterday. It wasn’t messing around. No-one else seemed to be bothered. I was devastated. I think it singled me out because I was carrying a newspaper.
I was carrying my notes as well. New stuff. Gold. All turned to mush. So I did old stuff, from my head, where it’s all nice and dry but lacking in ambition.
I stood in front of the audience and slowly...
Burlesque
The free fringe in Edinburgh, I’ve noticed, has lots of bizarre venues. Street corners, restaurants, and in last night’s case (my free fringe debut) a burlesque bar.
It wasn’t ‘art-house’ burlesque either. This was full-on. Neon lights, poll-dancing, and hairy-palmed bar-men. The girl prepping to get up first was very ‘homely’ looking. Very much the girl...
Status
Because I analyse myself too much, I can sit in a conversation for over an hour with little or no verbal input. Best to stay silent and look or fool, than say something foolish and lose four friends.
I actually think that 90% of mutes have perfectly functioning vocal chords, but are just plagued by self-doubt.
It’s not just what you say. It’s what you do. I’d seem far more...
“Ed, do you think Scottish people take their lunch to work?”
– Sunil
Class
I’m on the train to Edinburgh, in first class, no less. Actually, it turns out it’s a good deal less. The meals ran out half-way down the carriage, as did the biscuits.
The wi-fi is free, but only quick enough to send one binary digit to or from the interwebs every hour. A world of information and celebrity gossip is just beyond my fingertips. If I ever do connect I am going to...
Pinch
I’m sitting with a white wine, safely returned from a trip to Sainsbury’s to buy supplies for Edinburgh. In three orange plastic bags I am carrying my life for the next fortnight. A box of wine, two small bottles of wine, alka seltzer, Rennie, Tunes, razor blades, Schleor, one moleskin pad, three pens, Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity, toilet roll, cotton buds, toothpaste, shaving...
Parents2
So, I performed on stage in front of my parents last night. Of the 70-odd spots I’ve done so far, this was the first when the front row had a young fella and his parents. The MC spotted this, and decided to ask “Anyone else in with their parents tonight?”.
My mother found her voice, for the first time since she forced her way on stage to sing “Dalila” at my Grandad’s retirement bash, starting a...
Parents
My parents are in town. We went for a meal last night, carefully avoiding anywhere too pricey or surrounded by hooded youths with BBIM. Ending up in Le Garrick next to Covent Garden.
My mother focused on the second of her two favourite conversation topics. My love-life. Awkward, but preferable to her actual favourite topic of lung cancer. She spent most of the night trying to get me to talk French...
May 2011
3 posts
“The impending apocalypse is not an excuse for over-spending, Keith”
– Mutha
Wipe
My friend, Alex, found out recently that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He’s described it as the worst feeling in the world. Now, I have sympathy with him. But, clearly, that’s not the worst feeling in the world.
The worst feeling in the world, as we all know, is your hands coming into direct contact with your own excrement.
I think there’s a 1-to-1 correlation between life happiness, and how...
Handicapped
One of the massive challenges I face when doing stand-up, is that I don’t look like a cross between two people. Or a baddie from a cartoon. Or an actor who’s had a stroke. Or any fictional character from our collective pasts that can be recalled for comic effect.
I look like a younger version of my Dad, but that’s not funny is it. There will be no howls of recognition, because...
April 2011
1 post
Dalston
I went for a wander today and, much to my dismay, I ended up in Dalston. I fucking hate Dalston. It’s entirely populated by art students, and dickheads. If you like your violence with a hint of irony, go to Dalston.
Skinny jeans live in Dalston, as do the people who wear them. I can understand the desire to be fashionable, but if you’ve got to lube yourself up just to get dressed,...